Delwyn is in the center – clockwise from the top:
Prem-Luss (Planet-headed – two characters in one!), Purrsula (the cat-headed warrior), Drade (computer program entity), Fleat (feathered Stormer with a deadly Third-Eye) and Varun (half-man, half-seahorse and Guardian of the Dreamworld.)
Here’s the Book Trailer:
I haven’t posted for a while – on any of my blogs. I felt bad for it – but I felt worse for not writing my own stuff – being bogged down in freelance work. Then I felt bad for feeling bad – as I should be grateful that I had the opportunity to leave my full time job to be a writer. I am grateful – and my husband is a saint for encouraging me to do so. I couldn’t complain to him about my internal predicament. Getting the flu in between and going down for the count didn’t help any.
I then found myself plunging into a strange fog which I am still trying to fight my way out of. I became immersed in a spiraling whirlpool – doing my best to grasp onto whatever debris or beams of light that showed up here and there. They slipped out of my hands so quickly that I wondered if they existed at all. My dreams have been intense – and hopeful. When I get the chance I’ll post them on my Collective Unconscious blog.
I also veered away from my Shapeshifting blog – neglecting to chronicle my “progress” on healthy living. I’ve been sleeping a lot and doing my best to drag myself to the computer every day to complete my freelance writing wherever possible. One thing I know for sure is that – for the most part – this fog or “crisis” has to do with my impending 50th birthday in September. I am not happy about it – at all. It’s not so much the fact that I’m ageing – but rather that I’m losing time.
My identity has become a mist, or a vapor that has no form. All that I projected about who I thought I was and what I was doing has cleared to reveal the truth. There is nothing. I am nothing. Nothing matters. It’s all pretend. We keep on kicking along just to save face – to make ourselves feel that it’s all – somehow – worth it. Worth the struggle. One day we’ll get there. But where is that? And who says that it’s “somewhere” – the destination we’ve been working towards?
It seems to be a collective grudging towards the only definite element in life: death. I don’t even know what that is – or what it means. The ceasing to be. That sounds awful – and I’m sorry to be so down. Please don’t let it infect you. If anything – I’m writing this out to chronicle my dark patch. I see myself posting tweets etc about my novels – begging for people to buy my books, blah blah blah. It seems so pointless. The emptiness is swallowing me up – but I have to write about it. I have to “sublimate” it – in order to make sense of what is happening to me. Maybe it might help someone else out there – or maybe they can help me.
I stopped writing last night – due to plummeting further downwards. I could see that I wasn’t doing myself any good, even though I thought at the beginning that writing about my “malaise” would make me feel better. I went to bed – with the start of a panic attack looming on the horizon. I was breathing shallow and on the verge of tears that wouldn’t come. I got into bed and focused on my breathing – in a kind of forced meditation. After about half an hour I fell asleep.
When in the clutches of despair, it’s important to remember just to breathe. The only thing in the world that matters is breathing – at that point. I told myself that – if nothing else in the universe mattered – breathing was all I could do. The knowledge that everything would make sense – eventually – kept me going, even though the thoughts in the back of my mind kept bubbling to the surface from time to time. Thoughts such as: “what’s the point?” or “what then?” as well as “I’m just prolonging the obvious.”
I pushed them away and continued breathing. I dreamed about having different cars. First – a red one – which I parked seamlessly in a tight spot. Twice. I amazed myself. Then I had a blue convertible. It was under a dirty blanket and I had to tell a friend to keep her son from playing in it. Then I had a huge, thick branch of marijuana buds. Each bud was intricately wrapped in foil. I wanted to smoke it but people kept showing up so I had to stash it somewhere. Then I woke up.
There are a lot of symbols and related meanings which I will explore in my Collective Unconscious blog soon. The main messages I take from the dream include reserved energy, hiding depressive thoughts and the desire to lose myself. Today I’m getting myself in gear. I have decided to create a roster or weekly agenda for myself. I need order and direction – to pave my way out of this crisis. I’ll post an update later in the week.
I took some photos of myself last night – in an attempt to preserve whatever fading looks I think I might have before I hit 50. I used some photo editing and filters – but for the most part – it’s me. They make me laugh – now.
When I’m feeling like this – I have to remind myself that there are others in the world who are living wretched lives. They would do anything to have a fraction of what I have. Therefore – it seems that I have no right to complain or feel depressed. But what is that thought supposed to do – comfort me? Isn’t that wrong? Does pulling myself up by the bootstraps help them any? Do I owe it to the less fortunate to live a fulfilled life? Isn’t that rubbing their noses in my fortunate life?
What is humbling is the huge smiles on their faces – in the middle of a war zone or filthy, hopeless conditions. The fact that they can make the most of a horrible situation; that they can find the silver lining. Clean water or peace would mean the world to them. In my little corner of the world – I do have access to clean water, a peaceful home and food. I should be grateful. My own mind is the enemy.
Time to whip it into shape.
Looking for honest reviews!
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This is a short dream I had recently, where I was walking down a city street and saw grey birds falling out of the sky. I saw two land in separate trees and something told me that there was an ecological disaster causing them to fall. When I went up to the first bird, it was limp and laying on a branch – but still moving a little. I picked it up and held it in my hands, wondering how to help it.
When I went to the second tree, I saw that the bird was a little more alert. I got close to it and it opened its beak – to reveal a tiny, grey, 3D printed cube inside its mouth.
I saw that the other bird also had one in its mouth and tried to carry them both into a building – to find a work colleague to help the birds. As I walked along, I worried that the birds would die, and when I got to my work colleague, he was blase about them and said they’d get better soon. I felt that he was brushing me off.
THEMES: Environmental calamity, illness, looking for answers.
SYMBOLS: Sky, grey birds, 3D cubes, beaks/mouths, trees.
EMOTIONS: Worry and concern, confusion.
ARCHETYPES: Birds, Animus – work colleague
INTERPRETATION: I get the feeling that – yet again – it was telling me about my physical state. I’ve been improving my diet and exercising of late, and also discovered that my Thyroid medication was too strong. Birds symbolize ideas and thoughts, as well as vehicles for escape and freedom. I feel that they also symbolized my “high hopes” for my books – falling out of the sky representing the lack of sales etc.
I have been disappointed with the progress/success of my writing and even told my husband that I felt like giving up. He told me that it was just a slump and to keep going – that one day, I would have success if I keep plugging at it. Also – the pleasure I get from writing and sharing ideas and stories is one of the main reasons I write.
The 3D cubes in their beaks/mouths is a mystery – although I could interpret them to mean concrete, or three dimensional ideas and solutions within the fallen or failing ideas. For example: the birds (ideas, my books etc) are not staying afloat due to the methods I’m using (and not using) to market and promote. The 3 D cube could symbolize the fact that there’s something solid there, but I have to find a solution.
Trying to get my work colleague to help could indicate my frustrations with the public and potential readers – not seeming to be interested in what I have to offer. In regards to the environment, it could represent how I feel about not wanting to jump through the hoops and produce what I feel are frivolous works – just to garner attention and sales.
It might also indicate how I’m feeling about my frustrations at work and my life in general – especially when I’m low or depressed – thinking that, no matter what I do, it’s an uphill battle with no reward.
SUMMARY: I feel that I need to analyze this dream more, but it does seem to symbolize my “malaise”. I’ve been half-hearted lately, in terms of my writing – so maybe this dream simply reflects those feelings, and indicates a need to be more scientific or well-rounded. Trees can symbolize the integrated Self (they were mostly barren) – so maybe it shows how I feel about myself and my life lately. The ideas and thoughts are there, but they can’t seem to get off the ground. I don’t know. I seem to be going around in circles!
I was in a house where some teenagers (majority of them were African-American) were gossiping loudly in my mother’s room. When I went in, I saw a couple of them rifling through my mother’s jewelry box. They stopped gossiping and started to pray – pretending that that’s what they were doing the whole time. When I told them that I heard them gossiping – they denied it and said that they were just praying.
I looked at the jewelry box to see if they had taken anything – but I couldn’t tell. Then I went into my dark room and decided that I wanted to change rooms.
I went through the house and found a light and airy room – which was opened out to the driveway in a country setting. I didn’t mind that it was open – but I saw that the bed had a lot of dead insects where the pillows were supposed to be.
In the dream – I thought that I normally wouldn’t mind the insects, but I didn’t want that bed.
THEMES: Gossip, praying, lies, desire for change, dead bugs, light vs dark.
SYMBOLS: Jewelry box, dark vs light, bed, bugs, outdoors
EMOTIONS: Annoyance, suspicion, yearning for illumination
ARCHETYPES: Teenagers – African-American, Mother (not present)
INTERPRETATION: This is quite personal – suffice it to say that I have issues with my mother stemming from my childhood and the fact that she wasn’t present in person signifies her absence in my life. The gossiping teenagers – especially being African-American – symbolize the childish side of my mother (she is dark) and the fact that others are joining in on the gossip. When I questioned what they were doing, they lied and said that they were praying – which represents her trying to present herself as blameless and pure.
Worrying about what was taken from her jewelry box denotes a fear of the precious things about her – or the hidden treasures that I fear will be stolen from her, therefore me.
The desire to get out of my small, dark bedroom represents my yearning for escape from guilt, or repressed memories. In dreams, the bedroom usually symbolizes the sexual side of yourself – but I feel that it indicates my yearning for openness, freedom and a lighter or even illuminated life. With the new room being open to the elements – it shows how I want to open up into the world and step out of the darkness. (This also represents my public persona and desire to ‘meld’ with others and join the crowd – after having deliberately stayed in the shadows for so long.)
The dead bugs in the bed could represent old, little things that should be of no consequence now. Things like old arguments, bad memories and outdated or unnecessary elements in regards to how I cling to the past. The fact that I didn’t mind them so much – shows how I might still harbor resentments (which I do!) – or how those things still plague me. The fact that I decided I didn’t want that bed – due to the bugs – indicates that I finally want to move on.
SUMMARY: Time to bury the hatchet and move on. I must remember the good things and not dwell on the bad. It’s time to be more honest and open. I need to get “out there” and get amongst it.
I was in a field with long grass where there was a patch mowed in a square. As I walked past, I looked in and saw several men – supposedly dead – lying along the edges. At first I thought they were just men’s clothes arranged as though men were inside them, but then I realized that they were men. They were wet and I assumed they had drowned before being placed in the square.
Then I walked to the edge of the field and met up with a work colleague. She was standing in a queue with other people who were going to a training session and I walked over to talk to her. She was laughing (as usual) and told me that she was trying to get away from a man who was trying to kiss her. She said that he had herpes and she didn’t want to catch it.
Then she told me that her anal jewelry was bothering her! Later in the dream, I was thirsty and went over to a man who was serving water out of an old metal bucket (or a still). When I went up to him, he handed me a large jar – but I saw that there were a couple of dead insects and a spot of mold floating in it. I wouldn’t drink it, so I went over the road to a covered stand.
There was an old woman selling her wares – but it looked more like a forgotten trash heap. I thought I saw a table loaded with old animal skulls – displayed in a pyramid fashion. But when I got closer, I realized that they were just knitted and crocheted baby booties.
I told the woman that I was thirsty, so she pulled a cup of water out of her pocket. I was afraid that it was her urine, so again – I declined.
THEMES: Death, issues with men, sexuality, disease, thirst, contamination, misinterpretation.
SYMBOLS: Death, grass, square, water, drowning, queue/line, training, sex, water, dirt/filth, skulls, crochet.
EMOTIONS: Confusion, concern, disgust, humor, thirst.
ARCHETYPES: Playful/sexual woman, dead men, peddlars, old woman, animal skulls.
INTERPRETATION: To see the animus (for a woman) – dead in a field – could represent dead sexuality. Fear of losing sexual power – although seeing my colleague happy and chatting about avoiding a man for fear of disease, could also indicate a lackadaisical attitude about avoiding sex. (Hmmm – not like me at all!)
What stumps me is the part about ‘anal jewelry’. This colleague is hilarious and we have a fun time together laughing at work – but I feel that she does represent me, and the ‘anal jewelry’ could symbolize abnormal sexuality. She was off-handed about the comment – so it could represent an element of myself that is glib or flippant about sex.
The fact that the men had possibly drowned (water = subconscious, emotions) – could indicate the men in my past that I’ve “laid out to dry” – or that I am ignoring my sexual side (or the sexual side of my husband.) Without giving too much away (we are very happy!) – we have been very busy of late, with our careers etc. Let’s leave it at that!
The fact that she was in a queue or line – waiting to go into training, could symbolize life still throwing lessons at me. I am very impatient – especially when it comes to my writing career – so maybe it represents the fact that I still have to keep learning and wait my turn.
The thing with the dirty water could have been affected by being thirsty for real. When I went to bed – I had brought a glass of water with me as I was particularly thirsty that night. When I woke up – I was still thirsty, so maybe my physical condition carried over to the dream state. In the dream – I couldn’t drink the nasty water – representing my thirst and lack of clean water to drink. If I was going to interpret it as a dream symbol – it could either tie in with my health (still working on it – eating healthy and all that boring crap!) – or even a “thirst” for sex, which is thwarted – self-inflicted.
The animal skulls (especially in the shape of a pyramid) – could indicate my desire to get back to my pagan side. This is something I’ve been thinking of lately, as I want to re-dedicate myself to the craft. The old lady – who had baby booties (white) – could symbolize my desire to get my business and writing career off the ground. (Babies represent new things, new ideas etc.) The idea of her having urine in her pocket doesn’t escape me. Sometimes I feel like I’m “regurgitating” or re-purposing things!
SUMMARY: I need to continue focusing on my health – and pay more attention to my sexual side. I must remember not to take my husband for granted. I need to think up more creative ways to promote and market my business and writing. I need to get my schedule worked out so I can incorporate my spiritual pursuits. (I’ve already started with clearing out and cleaning my office – to make way for a sacred space.) One step at a time!
My recent post – titled “Dream Blogging – Message from a UFO” – https://yourfaceinmyhands.com/2015/05/02/dream-blogging-message-from-a-ufo/ – could have been prophetic!
A few days later – my husband was offered another job – much better in status and pay!
This is another hodge-podge dream. I had it last week and just now have time to post it – on Mother’s Day, no less!
At first – I was walking through an animal sanctuary – when I came across two lions that were quite pale and thin. I was worried about them but too scared to approach them.
Then I walked through a section where the birds were. I saw two birds on the ground behind a fence, who were swallowing feathers. One was able to manage at least seven – which were hanging out of it’s mouth as it tilted its head back and slowly swallowed them. The other bird could only manage two feathers and it stood watching the other bird. I sensed that it was upset that it could only manage two – while the other one handled a lot more with ease.
Then I was in a hotel with a work colleague and her parents. We were going to catch a plane to Canada, and as we walked out the door, I noticed that she had left her jacket behind.
She was grateful and grabbed it, but as we walked through the airport – I realized that I didn’t have my shoes on – only socks. There wasn’t enough time to go back so I had to continue on without shoes.
We discovered that we had missed our flight and had to wait for the next one. We went to a cafeteria and sat down to eat. I was annoyed that the only food available was fried food. There were huge platters of all kinds of fried food on the tables, but I wouldn’t eat. I sat and watched the others – quite disgusted.
Then I was sitting on the edge of a bathtub – peeing relentlessly. I was worried that someone would find out – but there was no toilet and I was busting to go. The whole bathtub filled up and I was still peeing. I frantically tried to get off the edge of the tub – as I wanted to find a toilet – but I tipped the tub and pee spilled all over the floor. I worried that the pee would flow out into the hallway.
THEMES: Illness, weakness, ingesting foreign objects, thwarted travel, flight, disgust, release.
SYMBOLS: Lions, birds, feathers, swallowing, jacket, shoes, socks, Canada, fried food, pee, bathtub.
EMOTIONS: Concern, wonder, forgetfulness, annoyance, disgust, embarrassment
ARCHETYPES: Lions, Birds, Colleagues, Parents
INTERPRETATION: The theme of concern over sick animals continues! The pale lions represent weakness and dissipating strength – which has been a niggling thing in the back of my mind lately. It could also indicate my concern over apparent lack of interest in regards to my books and numerology business – feeling like I’m having little or no impact and that I am ineffective in my pursuits.
The birds represent the side of me that feel grounded and unable to ‘fly’ – as they were on the ground – doing the opposite of what they are supposed to be doing, which is flying – not eating the things that help them fly. The fact that one bird handled at least seven feathers – while the other one had difficulty with just a few – could symbolize how I feel about my ventures and inability to succeed. Eating and swallowing feathers (which are a symbol of mobility, flight, lightness, adornment, magic, intuition) – could also represent my desire to achieve greater heights and hunger for elevation above the drudgery of everyday life. Alternatively – it could mean that I’m wasting too much time with the promoting and marketing.
Like the Ouroboros – the cycle of death and rebirth (eternity) – the birds were swallowing their own feathers. It could be indicating that I see others doing far better than me and I struggle with just a small level of ventures. This image still bothers me and I continue to try and interpret it.
Being in a hotel with a work colleague – and her parents – represents worrying too much about things that don’t matter. The shoes would have been more important than the jacket. The shoes protect your feet, and even though the jacket provides warmth – it’s more socially acceptable to be without a jacket. The jacket could symbolize my public persona – worrying more about image rather than my health, protection and how I travel in life.
Canada is a place that symbolizes a perfect society – to me, anyway! An idealistic place where people are a lot calmer and seemingly more intelligent and compassionate. In the dream, it could indicate my desire to escape to a place where I would fit in. Missing the plane symbolizes my fear of not ‘making it’. Having only fried food to eat, could represent my annoyance at having to settle for the cheap things that don’t do me any good – when I would prefer good food, therefore better sustenance and a higher level of success and a better life.
Peeing is release of negativity and purging. The fact that I had so much shows how I desire to let it all out, and that no matter how much I do release – it keeps coming. The fear of never being pure or achieving my goals – always needing to purge. The bathtub is a place where you should be cleaning yourself. It symbolizes an opportunity for washing away the dreck to become a new person. Filling it to the brim with more pee coming – then tipping it and flooding the bathroom (and possibly the hallway) – symbolizes my fear of showing my true self to the world. I want to get it out – but at the same time – am embarrassed to do so.
SUMMARY: I need to continue taking better care of myself and work to increase my stamina. I need to stop wasting my energies in areas that do not feed my goals. I feel that the time has come where I need to re-evaluate my ventures and change the way I operate – especially in regards to promoting and marketing. It’s getting to me lately – the fact that I have to work a full time job – which eats into my writing time. I know that we all have to do it – to pay the bills etc – but working a full time job and then coming home every night (and spending every weekend working on my ventures) is zapping my energy levels – leaving nothing left for family and friends.
All work and no play makes Kelly a dull bore!
This bizarre dream happened last Thursday. It seemed to be directed more at my husband – so I gave him a head’s up – as it pertains to his work.
We were lying in bed and I noticed bright lights outside. Then it seemed like our roof disappeared – or became transparent – as we looked up and saw clouds moving fast – with what looked like giant wheels coming down. The wheels were like old fashioned wheels with spokes.
Then two, long metal probes came out of the clouds – with glass orbs at the end of them. The probes were thin and they came so close to us that I was afraid they were going to poke our eyes out. The orbs started projecting an image in front of us – which was showing an email with information about my husbands’ work. (He is a QA Manager at a candy company and is often putting out spot fires – at all hours of the day – even when it’s not his shift.)
We were told telepathically that someone higher up would be mad about an issue at his work – but that he would resolve it and they would eventually apologize for blaming him.
THEMES: Message from the higher self, reassurance, panic, worry.
SYMBOLS: UFO, bright lights, wheels, probe, message.
INTERPRETATION: I feel that this is a prophetic dream (we’ll see!) – even though my husband is always having to solve other people’s problems. He has been annoyed and worried of late, that his superiors don’t value him and continue to heap work onto him – even though he always does his work in a timely and professional manner.
UFO’s and aliens represent the higher self or spiritual assistance. Some say that UFO’s etc have replaced religion and that they are also symbols of higher powers. In this case – I feel that it could have been a message from ‘beyond’ – or even just our own psyche’s issuing a warning. Bright lights symbolize illumination – alerting us to the fact that all will be revealed.
Wheels turning in the sky – indicates a pun (wheels of the mind turning, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, momentum, things happening). Also – machinations of the powers that be. The probes and orbs trying to pierce our eyes simply indicate a message trying to penetrate our field of vision. The message showed that there would be something to deal with – but that all will turn out fine – in the end.
SUMMARY: This is an ongoing issue for my husband – so it would be nice to see that people finally start recognizing his worth and abilities.