This is a dream that I had last week but have been too busy to post. A lot happening in this one – one of those hodge-podge dreams that zig-zags here and there!
At first I was at Tina’s place (my son’s girlfriend’s mother – phew!) – back in Australia. We were in the kitchen and she was at the stove, preparing to cook. I was helping with the dishes but there were small things going on that were preventing me from completing the task. Just issues with organization. This was during the day, as we were both at the kitchen window and sunlight was pouring in.
Then it was night and I was driving and speeding along a winding road. I noticed a police car behind me and I became paranoid, so I slowed down and kept it under the speed limit. I remember that when I was speeding – I was doing 50 in a 40 zone – so after I spotted the police, I dropped it back down to just under 40. Luckily – they were distracted by a speeding car at the bottom of the hill, so they took off after it.
Then I was in a shopping mall with my two grandchildren – Leon who is 4 years old and Noah as a toddler (even though he is only 5 months old). I saw a woman who I used to work with, doing a product presentation in the middle of the walkway. She had a crazy blonde hairdo that reminded me of the lead singer from the 80’s band – A Flock of Seagulls!
I took Leon and Noah to a cafe and went up to the counter to order our food. I ordered two burgers, a coffee and then tried to order some fish sandwiches for later – but the guy at the counter was rude and arguing with me over the extra sandwiches. I told him that it was none of his business, but then a nice guy came up and told him to go back to the kitchen.
Then the nice guy took my order and was very professional and polite. I opened up my wallet and there was a lot of cash stacked in there. I was worried about other’s seeing it.
THEMES: Issues with organizing; worried about being caught. Public persona, interactions with others.
SYMBOLS: Dishes/housework/organizing. Driving, police, breaking the law. Hill top. Crazy hairdo. Food, money.
EMOTIONS: Annoyance, fear of authority and breaking the law. Wondering, confusion, being secretive.
ARCHETYPES: Stable woman, crazy woman, nasty man, nice man. Police, Children.
INTERPRETATION: A lot of oscillation between opposites – especially behaviors exhibited by my anima and animus. Tina – the stable woman – represents the persona that I fear others don’t see me as. Being in the kitchen (the ‘family’ room in the Mansion of the Soul) – shows how I operate in regards to my family. (Worry, feeling inadequate?) Even though I am always told how happy and ‘together’ I am – inner doubts about how I am perceived were represented by my inability to complete the tasks in the kitchen. This could also symbolize my regret over not being back in Australia – which I am working on – as my husband and I hope to relocate in a few years’ time.
Speeding on the top of the hill could represent how I feel I might appear to others – in regards to my promotional activities and public persona. I am constantly marketing and promoting on the internet – as I need to get my book and my Numerology business into gear. Going over the speed limit could indicate either my embarrassment or fear that other’s might see me as striving too hard to ‘get to the top’. I know that it’s my life – so it’s no one else’s business – however there is a side to me that worries over ‘rising above my rank’ or station! Maybe dropping speed showed that I might need to calm down, which is funny – as I have been telling myself to go easy and get back to what I love – which is writing!
Seeing the woman in the mall with the crazy hairdo could also be hinting at my public persona. At times, when on Twitter, Facebook etc – I feel like I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone and projecting a ‘crazy’ image of myself. It’s amazing how promoting yourself can feel like you’re entering an invisible circus – especially on the internet.
The rude man in the cafe could symbolize that side of myself that thinks I’m being ridiculous – like biting off more than I could chew, when I ordered the extra sandwiches. However – food symbolizes sustenance, and the fish in the sandwiches could symbolize spirituality. So it could be my inner, masculine self – telling me that I should just work and stop ‘fluffing’ about with the writing and numerology. Or it could represent the negative voice trying to sway me from striving for what inspires me: the authentic life.
The nice man resolved the situation and took my order – pretty much letting me know that it was all ok and I could have what I wanted! I was also worrying about Leon and Noah – so that could mean that I need to do all this for myself and my family – to have something solid and meaningful to pass on to them. (Also to show an example re: living the authentic life!)
Dreaming of money is often a wish fulfilling aspect of the dreamer. We all would love to have our wallets and purses overflowing with cash! The fact that I was worried that others would see, might indicate that I’m either afraid of success – or worried about having to share! I’m a very generous person – so the latter doesn’t seem that feasible to me – yet there is a side of me that is concerned about others taking what’s mine! Especially when the cost of promoting and marketing can be quite daunting!
SUMMARY: Mostly to do with my public persona and how I appear to others: particularly in regards to my writing and my business. I want to succeed – but I’m also afraid of succeeding – for fear of others seeing me in a different light. Overall – I think the dream was trying to tell me that in the end – everything will be ok – and that I still need to be mindful and scale it back, in order to remain authentic. Also – even though others might think I’m crazy – it’s what I think and how I feel that counts. What I leave behind as a legacy is all tied in with following my dreams – but keeping at least one foot on the ground!
I had this dream last night. First – I was in the building across from my work, and I knew that I had to get back there, but something was holding me back. I remember feeling that I didn’t have to return to work – and even though there was a sense that I ought to return – the possibility of exploring the new building was overpowering.
Then I was in someone’s home and needed to pee. The house was a little messy or haphazard – with things everywhere – and the rooms were disjointed and confusing. I was finally told where the toilet was and when I entered the room – it was a combination of a bedroom and toilet. It belonged to a young man who was playing video games in the corner, close to the door. I was embarrassed to go in and do my business – but I had to go, so I went over and pulled my pants down, then sat down on the toilet and started peeing.
I was worried that the young man would turn around and see me – but he didn’t seem to care. Then a door next to the toilet opened and a middle aged woman started coming in – but I tried to tell her that I wasn’t finished. She also didn’t seem to care – but I was embarrassed and wanted to finish so I could get out.
THEMES: Exposure, being discovered, decisions, lack of privacy.
SYMBOLS: Work, toilet, half-naked, urination, games, small and strange rooms/house.
EMOTIONS: Desire to run away, indecisiveness, embarrassment, annoyance.
ARCHETYPES: Young man, Middle aged woman.
INTERPRETATION: In regards to the first scene, the idea of not wanting to go back to work is obvious. As I am trying to build a ‘career’ with my writing and Numerology business, I’m finding it increasingly annoying to have to keep going through the motions and working a 9-5 job, when all I want to do is be creative and focus on what I really enjoy doing. (Don’t we all?!) So, hiding in the building across the street from my workplace – trying to decide whether to go back or not – indicates the internal battle that rages inside me. I have to work to pay the bills – a steady job. It takes up most of my time, when I could be spending all my time on my writing and other interests.
Being in a strange house with strange rooms could represent how I feel with the promoting and marketing of my book. Trying to navigate my way around all the daunting elements of promoting my book and business is confusing, time consuming and sometimes frustrating. Trying to find a place to pee signifies the side of me that just wants to let go and be myself. Urinating also symbolizes getting rid of refuse. Not being able to find a suitable place to do so could represent my annoyance with trying to get things in order and be who I want to be.
We’ve all had the naked in public dreams, and they usually symbolize our fear of being ‘found out’ – or our true natures being discovered. Sitting on the toilet, as the young man showed absolutely no interest (aside from the fact that I was a stranger peeing in his room!) – might indicate how I feel about revealing my soul in public when no one seems to care. When the woman came in and also seemed uninterested in what I was doing – it didn’t alleviate my embarrassment with being caught with my pants down. I was annoyed that she didn’t listen to me, so it rang true for me – in regards to my book taking so long to get off the ground. (Three people have actually paid for it – at a measly $3.95 – and 69 others have downloaded it for free. I have one great review – from a stranger – with 5 stars. Every author understands how frustrating it is – especially when you’re self published!)
The young man could also be my animus – signifying the side of me who just wants to do what I want to do and not be bothered with anyone else! The fact that he was playing games symbolizes how I feel about all this. I sometimes feel that I’m just ‘playing’ and should get back to working a ‘normal’ job. The woman could represent my apparent flippancy regarding how I am putting myself out there.
SUMMARY: Pretty much summarizes how I feel about trying to forge ahead with my writing etc. I am revealing a hell of a lot about myself with the process of promoting and marketing – which is refreshing and frightening at the same time. I want to connect with people – especially my readers, and that means sharing myself. Maybe the dream was trying to tell me to be more discriminating about what and how I share. (Funny – as I’m here writing about my dreams and peeing!)
I feel – sometimes – that no one cares, but it’s not true. I have great feedback – mostly from strangers, although I’d like some people who are close to me to show more interest. Maybe it’s my subconscious expressing my fear of being irrelevant – baring my soul to an invisible or uncaring audience?
I had this dream this morning – strangely I don’t remember what else happened in it. I was back in Adelaide (Australia) – at my son’s place – at the end of a long, dark hallway. I was sweeping sand out the front door, and it didn’t matter how methodical I was – I couldn’t get rid of all the sand. Every time I looked behind me, there were still small mounds of sand. When I became aggressive with my sweeping, I saw that there was still a fine layer of sand still on the floor.
I remember thinking about the futility of it; that no matter what, people would still be dragging in more sand – on their shoes and clothes – but I kept on sweeping regardless. Then I was in a grocery store – in the refrigerated aisle – when I saw a black man (the bus driver who takes me to work every day!), up on a ladder and cleaning out the grime and grease from some machinery in the ceiling.
He was using his fingers to clear out the filth in the grooves and little shelves in the compartment. I asked him to stop and put some gloves on, as he could make himself sick. He just looked down at me – smiling and shaking his head – then continued doing it. I was worried about him transferring the filth to his mouth, but he wouldn’t listen to me.
THEME: Cleaning and sweeping, Concern, Futility.
SYMBOLS: Broom, sand, hallway, door, supermarket, ladder, dirt.
EMOTIONS: Concern, frustration.
INTERPRETATION: Cleaning and sweeping represent a desire to clear away old debris; clearing a path, putting things in order, correcting a mistake or problem, desire to reveal what’s underneath. The Buddhists say that cleaning your Dharma mirror (or whatever you’re cleaning) – means that you are sorting out your crap, basically – paving your way to enlightenment in order to reach Nirvana.
I was using a straw broom – which is a symbol of domesticity. It’s also a symbol for witches. (I have been a Hedgewitch for a long time!) Maybe it could mean that I have to use another method for sorting out my crap – or even – that the methods I’m using are not working? Sand can be symbolic of many things. In this dream I was in Adelaide (my son lives near the beach) – and it could be regarding my relationship with him – or being away from Australia. Clearing out past mistakes, paving a way back home, or reconstructing how I feel about my family.
Sand – and the shore – can be thought of as a threshold to other worlds, as they border the ocean. A grain of sand in an hourglass represents the sands of time. I know that I have a deep desire to turn the clock back – as the theme of aging has been prominent in my life lately. Turning around and seeing more sand behind me – tells me that no matter what – it will always be there. That’s where the futility re: continuing the process of getting rid of it comes in.
A hallway symbolizes an avenue to somewhere. In the Mansion of the Soul analogy – it represents a path to somewhere – or a holding/waiting area, that led to a door to the outside. Sweeping the sand out the front door – from the hallway – might show that I dither about, wasting time in a holding pattern – when I should move on and forget about what I can’t change.
A supermarket is a public place where you go to purchase sustenance. Probably representing my public persona – or how I deal with the public? A ladder has many connotations – such as – moving up the ladder (the man was at the top); bad luck for the superstitious; a portal or passage to another dimension etc. The man – as animus – could symbolize the masculine part of myself. The fact that he was black does not escape me. I have an Aboriginal (also Chinese, Welsh and French) heritage – so maybe that hints at my background or ‘native’ sense of self.
He ignored me and laughed when I showed concern for getting his fingers dirty. This could mean that I have a tendency to put myself in dangerous situations – blithely unaware that I could be doing myself harm. It could also be telling me to stop worrying about the small details – or even shying away from the dirty jobs in my life. As I’ve recently been sick – it could be telling me to stop being ignorant in regards to my health. This is a common theme for me lately!
SUMMARY: I need to stop worrying about things I can’t change – and start worrying about the things I can change! Again – putting the past behind me and to accept that time is marching on. I need to take more risks – being careful in the process. I need to stop procrastinating and try different methods for the evolution of my psyche. In order to properly integrate, I need to accept what is and work on what isn’t. Time to move on and be brave.
I had this dream yesterday – but was so tired last night after work – so I’m posting it late!
In the dream, I was walking down a road on an overcast day. I saw a gang of animals heading towards me on the footpath. There was a dog (pitbull), some cats and a strange, floating pinecone with an owl’s face peering out of the front. (The pinecone was horizontal, flying low.) It was a fantasy creature obviously – but in the dream I was mystified – trying to find out what kind of creature it was.
One of the cats was white with ginger patches. It had a large paper bag attached to one of its’ back legs – as though it had worn the bag for pants, but had stepped out of one of the leg holes. The leg was poking out of the other side of the bag – and was bloodied and broken. When I got closer to try and help it, I noticed that it was distressed – but it kept floating along with the other animals.
The dog seemed protective of the cat – but at first I thought that it was responsible for the cat’s injuries. Then I realized that the cat had been in a car accident and that it was quite old. When I tried to pick the cat up – it felt like a bag of bones. It purred when I petted it and I tried to help – but I wondered if the purring was just a stress reaction. I decided to follow it home to see if I could alert the owner and once we got to its’ house – the owner showed up.
She was an older hippy woman who pulled up in an old, white car that was beaten up and neglected. There were dirty, stuffed animals along the back window of the car. She was concerned about the cat – who was now lying on the grass in the front yard – waiting to be attended to.
THEME: Concern, dealings with animals, travelling, old and beaten up.
SYMBOLS: Cat, Dog, Strange creatures, road, car, stuffed animals, paper bag, injuries.
EMOTIONS: Concern, compassion, confusion.
ARCHETYPES: Old woman, animals.
INTERPRETATION: Some of this was obvious to me – as I’ve said in my previous dream interpretation – I’ve been feeling old and beat up lately! Walking down the road in the middle of the day – travelling through middle age. (The road was sloping slightly downwards.) The animals coming towards me represent various elements of my psyche wanting to be analyzed – or the process of the integrated self. For example: the dog was in good health but had a twinge of pink on its’ nose – hence the reason why I’d thought it had bitten the cat’s leg.
The other cats were fine – ambling along – but the old, injured cat represents how I’ve been feeling of late. I don’t know if it was jet lag or a virus – but I’ve been very tired for the last couple of weeks and have had strange symptoms – such as sore hips, stiff joints and glands swelling up. I think the flimsy bag on the cat’s leg symbolizes my haphazard attempts at taking care of myself! I try to soldier on and tell everyone that I’m fine when I’m not – for fear of appearing old and feeble.
The pinecone owl stumped me at first – but then I realized that it represented the mystical or spiritual side of myself that I’m still trying to understand. The pinecone symbolizes seeds spent – therefore old age. (I’m not dead yet – at 48!!) The owl is a nocturnal animal – so am I. It also represents wisdom and secret worlds – so maybe the fact that it was half-pinecone means that I’m entering the realm of the crone. (It’s funny – as I’ve always loved pine trees and owls!)
I think the lady also represents myself. The car symbolizes how I travel through life. (Roughshod and breakneck – sometimes!) The stuffed animals in the back window could symbolize aspects of myself that have taken a back seat – or have been neglected.
SUMMARY: Again – to slow down and take care of myself – but also, to acknowledge the hidden aspects of my true self. I need to accept getting older and rejoice in this new phase. I have been leaning away from spirituality over the past few fears – towards atheism. Maybe the mystical realms don’t have to be necessarily attached to a religion per se. Nonetheless – I have been feeling the lack of connection to that side of myself. Time to explore!
This is the first dream to be posted for interpretation. I’ve called it “Thwarted” – as that’s pretty much the whole theme of the dream. Even though I’m usually very good with being on time – even ridiculously early – being late is a common theme for me, in my dreams. Probably because I hate being late!
I was staying at an old woman’s place in Australia and had left with my grandson to catch a plane back to the U.S. My grandson – Leon – is four years old, and he was decked out like he was going on an expedition! He looked like an intrepid traveler, dressed in khaki and carrying his little bag. As we were walking up the driveway (it was night time) – I realized that I didn’t have my luggage. We went back to the old woman’s house to get them, but when we got there – it dawned on me that I hadn’t even packed my bags!
I started scrambling to jam everything into the suitcases. My stuff was strewn all over the bedroom – with clothes, books and papers under the bed, across the floor and on the chair and dressing table. Every time I thought I’d packed the last thing – something else caught my eye so – yet again – I had to open the suitcase and stuff it in.
As I was doing this, Leon said in his cute little voice, “What about my spoon?” I asked the old woman to get his spoon but she was ignoring me – just hanging around in the background. I kept obsessing about the spoon and packing my luggage, but was then distracted by an array of beautiful perfume bottles on the dressing table. I couldn’t decide which one to take with me.
The clock was ticking and I panicked about not getting to the airport on time. My heart was aching for Leon as I couldn’t find the spoon – but the perfume bottles continued to distract me.
THEME: Being late, disorganized, thwarted plans, neglected responsibility.
SYMBOLS: Clock, Luggage, Spoon, Perfume.
EMOTIONS: Panic, sadness, frustration, disorientation, distractions.
ARCHETYPES: Little boy, Old woman.
INTERPRETATION: This is a common theme for me – fearing that I will miss out on meeting deadlines due to unpreparedness. Since I was a teenager, I’ve had dreams about being late. I know this sounds odd – but back then, I would get some kind of a sexual thrill about being late. As I’ve matured – frustration has become the key element – no thrill!
I think this could be drilled down to – fear of missing out. I have had to deal with feeling like the rug’s been pulled out from under me – on and off – for a long time, which feeds these kinds of dreams. I am always very organized when it comes to planning – with my endless checklists and dry runs, etc. I am always annoyed when things don’t go to plan – and even though I do well with thinking outside the box and adapting – sometimes it gets to me. This could be my subconscious (or unconscious) mind – telling me that no matter what and no matter how much I plan – things can go wrong – so I just need to ease up and accept what I can’t change, etc. To go with the flow.
Having my grandson in the dream represents responsibility for others, especially those who depend on me. He was prepared – apart from having his spoon. A spoon represents sufficient nourishment, measuring medicine, comfort (especially for children – knowing that they have enough to sustain them). As my anima – the masculine side of my psyche – Leon could be representing the youthful, outgoing, powerful side of me that needs to be sustained – hence the spoon. I have been grappling with getting older lately – not feeling like I have as much energy to get things done.
He could also have appeared to show how a typical grandmother feels towards her grandchildren – concern for their well-being. I did feel remorse for obsessing about the perfume in the dream – rather than putting more effort into finding the spoon. Maybe it symbolizes my fear of not being considered sexually viable anymore, as I paid more attention to the perfume – or the alluring side of my psyche – rather than the spoon, which represented my stamina, agility – or even the idea that I should be ‘feeding my soul’ instead.
The old woman was probably another version of myself. If she symbolized how I feel in regards to getting older, in the background, unresponsive – then it makes sense. That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling of late – unable to cope, forgotten, less worthy, etc. (Especially when my ego is involved with trying to get my first novel out there!)
Luggage or suitcases – pretty straight forward. They were unpacked and I struggled to get them in order. Not being able to get my shit together. I’ve been feeling that a lot lately!
SUMMARY: I need to slow down and take stock. I need to remember the important things in life and not to be so hard on myself. Having said that – I also think that the dream was telling me to focus on things that are important and not to waste precious time on things that don’t help me evolve as a human being.
Please feel free to comment or ask questions!
Something that I’ve wanted to do for a long time is blogging about dreams and their interpretations. A variety of things held me back – in particular – the idea that others might be bored with someone else’s dreams. I remember a line from “The Ref” – starring Kevin Spacey (Lloyd) and Judy Davis (Caroline). They play a couple whose marriage is on the rocks, and in the beginning they are in therapy, talking about Caroline’s dream. Lloyd is annoyed with her repeating a very personal dream and tells her that no one cares. It was hilarious – but I wondered if that was true – or if he was just annoyed with her revealing their personal problems.
True – we’re all far more interested in our own dreams than those of others – but what has finally pushed me to start writing about my own, is the fact that I have a lot of followers on my Dreamworld board on Pinterest. On that board, I pin interesting images and interpret them as though they are scenes from dreams. I’ve studied dream interpretation for a long time – and even though I’m certainly not an expert – people often come to me to ask for my advice and interpretation. (Here’s a link to my Dreamworld board: https://www.pinterest.com/lilithu/the-dreamworld/)
Another reason was that I enjoy dream interpretation (especially using the Jungian technique, archetypes, Shadow work, symbolism etc) – is that it truly helps with understanding how I’m travelling in life. The unconscious is the repository for all our hopes, desires, fears and things that affect our psychological make-up. It speaks to our conscious mind through symbolism, puns and even direct messages. When you pay attention to what your dreaming mind is trying to communicate – you can unlock secrets about yourself and gain new insights into problems or issues with your psyche, as well as those involving others and situations, etc.
I also welcome input from others – as I don’t always get it right – hence another reason I’m starting this public journey! I’m happy to assist with deciphering the dreams of others – so please feel free to share in the comments section, and I’ll endeavor to give it my best shot. (Even though the best interpretation comes from the dreamer – as only they know their true selves and what motivates them – it’s amazing what remains hidden, due to things such as refusal to face certain issues, fear or firmly held beliefs that block true understanding.)
Apparently we dream every night – but I don’t always remember my dreams, or maybe I just remember snippets, etc. I have common themes such as tidal waves, dark spaces, animals etc – like we all do. Nightmares are less common now that I’m older and have grappled with most of my demons! I find that they don’t inflict such deep fear, like they used to.
My novel – “Delwyn of the Realms – Storming Archives Book 1” – is all about a woman who accesses the dreamworld through a mirror portal. I use my knowledge of dream interpretation – as well as my experiences with astral projection and hypnagogic and hypnopompic hallucinations – in my writing. Here’s a link to the book on Amazon:
I will try to post at least two dreams per week – so stay tuned!
It’s been so hard – as any self-published author knows – to deal with marketing and promoting on multiple platforms, especially when working full time. But it’s finally paid off – my first review and it’s 5 stars! Yay!
Delwyn of the Realms (Storming Archives – Book 1) – is the culmination of my chronicles – realized as a fantasy novel. As explained previously – I decided not to write a memoir and started channeling some of my experiences into a fantasy novel. (Which was a young adult novel at first – but it was so much more fun changing it to an adult fantasy – about a woman who deals with hypnagogic hallucinations and astral projection, and finds a mirror portal to the dream world.)
I’m almost finished with the first draft of the sequel – which has become a wild ride – to say the least. It was exhilarating to discover how easy the sequel flowed, once the first book was done. I started a group board on Pinterest – called “Storming” – where fellow (invited) pinners help to inspire me with images regarding the themes in the sequel.
What is daunting is the marketing and promoting. The platforms I’m using are Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads and Goodkindles, Shelfari, Tumblr, Pinterest, Google+, Youtube – and others! I’ve used Fiverr for the book cover and advertising. I’ve paid for Twitter blasts and ad campaigns on Goodreads, Facebook etc.
However I knew that reviews would be the number one selling point – and my Beta readers (who say they’re loving the book!) – are taking their time putting reviews on Amazon. I am humbled by the amount of support they are giving me and understand that it takes time to first read a book and then review it. I’m just impatient – and seeing as I am not tech savvy – it’s been a giant learning curve.
Would I prefer to be going through a publisher instead? (Should I be so lucky? Is lucky the right word?!) I’d have to say – No – as much as the idea of someone picking it up and producing it for me is enticing. The problem is – especially these days – it could take an eon to finally get a deal with a publisher (or hook an agent), and after all is said and done – you still have to put a lot of legwork into the marketing and promoting.
So – for me – I find that having control over the book, and stretching myself thin and driving myself crazy with the promoting etc – has been a rewarding experience, after all is said and done. I released the novel as an ebook on Amazon in early Feb this year, and have only sold three units – but I started a freebie campaign today and I already have a 5 star review! (Oh Lordy – wiping sweat off my brow – teeth gnashing momentarily paused!) As at 9:19pm on this first day of the freebie campaign – 23 people have downloaded it.
I used to baulk at the idea of giving away my hard work for nothing – but the cloud has a silver lining. The great review was worth it’s weight in gold. It wasn’t selling that well without a review – so the freebie campaign has become a viable option. (The campaign ends on 3/10/15.)
What was bizarre – was that some of my Beta readers emailed me with glowing reports – but they weren’t putting the reviews on Amazon! (Sometimes it’s like herding cats – you have to be respectful and patient – not a strong point for me!) But it’s paying off and I’m learning as I go. The trick – I think, for any writer – is to persevere and not give up. Keep your eyes on the prize and remind yourself that your hard work is worthy of the struggle. (Pant, pant!)
I have created the paperback version on Createspace and am waiting for the proof to arrive so I can review it before I finally release it. I’m looking into creating bookmarks to take to bookshops, libraries etc. It’s amazing just how much is involved with promoting and marketing. AND IT NEVER ENDS! But I wouldn’t have it any other way! Once the sequel is ready for release, I will continue offering the first book free – occasionally – to keep pushing the units!!!! Where’s the vodka?
My novel is out – available on Amazon – Yay!
At the beginning of 2014, I set myself the goal of completing my first novel, and now I am happy to announce that I achieved that goal last weekend! That’s one of the reasons why I have neglected this blog (for shame!), as my focus was to bash out this book. During each fifteen minute break and lunch time, every day at work, I was hammering at my laptop and scrawling in my notebook, or reading and researching. On the way to and from work, I was listening to audio books, for ideas and to educate myself, on the topics included in my novel as well as on the process of writing.
Halfway through the year, it became clear that a straight out memoir was distasteful to me, for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, was the idea of airing out dirty laundry: sharing anguish and personal content, just made me feel uncomfortable. Secondly, and more importantly, I had an idea that I had been throwing around for a long time, in the form of a Young Adult story, that I wanted to put more effort into. I realized, after a time, that the story was semi autobiographical, and I started including bits and pieces from this blog.
Then I discovered all the annoying rules that come with writing for a Young Adult audience, which include things such as issues with swearing, drugs, sex and horror. I thought, “Well, that leaves me out!” So I decided to change the protagonist to an older person – a thirty year old woman, so that it would be reasonable for her to have had the experiences in the story at her age, but not too far away from her teenage years.
Then I wrestled with how complex the story was and tried my best to simplify it. Then I worried that I was dumbing it down too much. I fretted over narrowing my audience down too much, but then making it so appealing for a wider audience that it was too boring! The see-sawing was working my nerves, to say the least! Then I thought, “You know what? I’m going to tell this bloody story, get some feedback from people I know, from different age groups and backgrounds, then I’ll revise it accordingly, and not before!” Which is what I’m doing now. I’m chewing my nails and waiting with bated breath, as they read and review my baby!
So now, as I wait, I’m researching different agents and publishers, confusing myself with decisions such as having my own author’s website or just sticking with my facebook page, and this blog 😉 – also, exploring other options such as doing my own ebook or self publishing. Anyway, shall I tell you what the novel is actually about, rather than blather on about the whole boring process? I suppose I should!
It’s called “Delwyn of the Realms”.
For Delwyn, the only way out is through, and beyond! What if her astral travels and sleep disorders are real, and what she’s been told, about being off with the fairies, was a fantasy itself? After a psychotic break and a marriage breakdown, she escapes to her Aunt’s farm in the country, to recuperate. She agrees to the therapy and medication, and goes through the motions to rejoin society, but she’s always been a dreamer, and finding a mirror that’s a portal to the world of dreams is just the perfect ticket to sanity, isn’t it? As all Delwyn’s afflictions and wonderful adventures in the dreamland plummet her further into the belief that she’s a “Portal Stormer”, and that she can continue existing with “One foot in each world, riding them simultaneously; expecting not to fall!”, her Aunt, friends and doctor scramble to save her from herself. The question is: which realm is the fantasy?
Wish me luck (and any feedback is most welcome!)
Happy New Year everyone!
Writing this memoir has been a very therapeutic experience in terms of exorcising demons and analysis. For the most part, as long as I’m writing, I’m happy, although the perfectionist and idealist in me tend to gripe from their perches, saying things like “What about the poetry?” or “Not as good as the Beats” or “I thought you wanted to be a Great Writer!” I’ve had articles published in three of Llewellyn’s Almanacs. The first was about Animal totems in their 2011 Magical Almanac. Then I wrote a series of entries for their 2012 Witches’ Spell A Day Almanac. The last was a piece on the Numerology of plants for their 2013 Herbal Almanac.
I’m proud of those pieces, but I have to admit that along the way, something in me transformed, in regards to my ‘spirituality’. I have always felt uneasy with the term ‘atheist’ as it implies the notion of an aversion to spirituality. The idea of calling myself ‘agnostic’ also made me uncomfortable as it came across as laziness, or at least – as being in a holding pattern until something better came along. It was like a ‘just in case’ position, or lying in wait – like a spider on the outskirts of a web, waiting for the tug of the string.
In my earlier years I went ‘out on a limb’ and explored different faiths, reading book after book and attending services and visiting temples. I had countless conversations with a variety of different types of people from different walks of life. I lived in a Buddhist commune for a year and was initiated into the White Tara mysteries. I spent a brief period studying with Jehovah’s Witnesses (boy was that a mistake!), which was brought on by an episodic fear of death. My cousin organized a clumsy religious intervention, disguised as a makeup party, where she and a psychotic garden variety Born again Christian woman did their best to ‘exorcize’ me! They both ended up in tears and I walked away amused but angry that I was duped into wasting my time and energy – AND I had brought good food!
When I was twenty three I met an American woman – Elia, who was from Waco, Texas. She was in her early fifties and had an ad in the paper about teaching Numerology. I had been interested before and decided to look into it so I called her. When she answered and we started talking, for some reason I thought that she was Russian. (It turned out later on she discovered that her family did have Russian in their background!) The lessons were cheap so I signed up and started attending, every Tuesday night. Elia had a degree in Psychology and was also an art teacher. She was thoroughly fascinating and I learned a lot from her.
It turned out that I was the only one who stayed for the complete course and she said that from the beginning, she knew that I would be the only one who would stay. Week after week, someone would drop off until it was just Elia and I, which was fine with me. To this day I still practice Numerology, as it’s been the only thing that has rung true, for me. I have tested it in a variety of different ways and often I find myself saying “Well, it’s all projection!” But when I look back over my chart I get a chill, and realize that whatever happens, Numerology has been like a blueprint that just states the facts ma’am!
I had religious people telling me often that I needed to have faith, but that seemed like too much hoping. I’d rather have knowledge and truth. Something concrete is better than smoke and mirrors. I remember thinking that it seemed as though they all wanted a father figure so badly, that the idea of someone watching over them gave them comfort, and who was I to take that away from them? I thought “Good luck to you – but don’t impose that grasping onto me!”
Fear is a great motivator and pain is a great educator, however – it all depends on where you take it and how you develop it. Every time I had a crazy experience, whether it was a hypnagogic hallucination or a supposedly prophetic dream, I assumed it was my synapses misfiring or whatever I ate the night before. Sometimes they were prompted by auto suggestion or psychosomatic circumstances.
I knew an older man called Keith who did my tarot cards for me every now and then, in my twenties. He reminded me of Khalil Gibran. For years he pursued me romantically but I was not interested – and I never led him on. One night we stayed at a mutual friends’ house and had to share a bed. Apparently he came to bed later and my vibes were so strong that he had to leave the room! When I came out in the morning he was sleeping on a bean bag in their lounge room and was very angry with me, even though I had no idea what had happened! (Later on that day, we were sitting in their backyard and their pet goose came running at Keith in full attack mode! It was like even the animal kingdom was against him!)
I remember that every time he did my readings, there were always messages about me having to let my guard down and to stop worrying about what others thought about me. I had to stop worrying about the ‘pigs and fishes’. The last reading he did for me was using a Native American deck with animal totems. Again the message was about removing the masks and discovering the real me. I wondered if Keith was peppering the readings with subtle hints about letting him in. There was no way that was going to happen. He was sweet – but kind of creepy at the same time.
After that last reading I had an incredible out of the body experience. All of a sudden I was floating in space with two creatures – much like a white demon I had seen in a painting, with faces on their groins. They were on either side of me, holding my arms and they were grotesque. They told me telepathically that I needed to ‘drop the mask’ and to learn to see beyond the masks of others. In front of us I could see a huge black planet rolling towards us like a bowling ball. I was afraid but they kept telling me to relax. Then I saw a brilliant white light coming up over the horizon of the black planet. It was growing brighter and brighter as it came closer, appearing over the planet, still rolling towards us.
I wriggled and tried to break free, screaming in my ‘mind’ that I wanted to go back to my body and that I wasn’t ready. The creatures (or angels?) kept saying “You’ll regret it!” The white light was getting bigger and closer to the point that it was almost unbearable to look at. Finally I broke free, screaming “I can’t!” and I snapped back to my body. Fair enough, as soon as I sat up in bed I regretted being a chicken and not waiting to see the light, as it dawned on me that the white light was my ‘Higher Self’. To this day I feel bad about that, even though I’m still not sure if it was just my synapses misfiring!
One constant thing that has always been a part of me or my spirituality, is my pagan side. I have always felt strongly connected to the earth, the seasons and to the animal kingdom. I have always been fascinated with ritual and witchcraft too. When I was about twelve years old I came across a book of ceremonial magic that my mum had in her bookcase. It was given to her by a friend of the family, who had given it to us as he thought he was cursed by the witch who gave it to him. He was a guitar player in a band and he had an affair with her. He said that she scared him as she was very controlling and definitely had ‘the power’. When he broke up with her he started having terrible problems with arthritis in his hands, to the point where he couldn’t even play guitar. I don’t know what he did to “break the spell” but giving the book to us apparently helped a lot.
I remember taking the book into my room and setting up a ritual with candles, casting circle etc. However I freaked out when the wind picked up and the candles flickered so I quickly snuffed them out, packed up the altar and put the book back in its spot in the bookcase. Years later, mum threw the book in the fireplace.
In my late twenties I started dabbling with an ouija board. My neighbor at the time, Debbie, came up with the bright idea, and even though we didn’t have a board, we decided to make one out of a piece of masonite and some scrabble pieces. We used a little liqueur glass and placed our index fingers on it. Immediately it started moving. It was strange as it seemed as though it was moving of its own accord. Both of us were quite skeptical and wanted to test it, out of curiosity. Sometimes it would go so fast that it would slip out of our fingers and keep moving across the board. It was hard to keep up with it.
The same people would come through and it would say random crap that usually bored us to tears. We noticed that even after just twenty minutes our energy would be drained dramatically, and we had to stop to recharge our batteries with cups of tea and cookies! One time was freaky though. An entity came through and told us that Debbie’s son had torn his pants climbing over a fence at school. I went with her when she picked him up and fair enough, when he got into the car, he told his mum that he ripped his pants climbing over a fence! We raced home to jump back on the board!
It was amazing though, that we couldn’t get the lottery numbers! It wasn’t long before a nasty entity came through, saying that my brother Peter was going to die (he did die a few years later). I was so angry I told Debbie that I wasn’t going to do it anymore so we broke the board up into little pieces and threw it away.
I still wonder about what happens with an ouija board – whether you’re just channeling your own subconscious energies through it, or if there really are actual ‘spirits’ coming through.
Debbie and I started getting into tarot cards and read for each other over the following years. We also went to a professional reader who did a reading for me that I will never forget – as it made me laugh so much. She said that I would end up living in Argentina on a cattle ranch, with 40,000 head of cattle! Debbie promised me that if it ever eventuated, she would personally get on a plane and come to the ranch and eat her own shit from a gold platter. The funny thing is, it kind of came close. I did relocate to the U.S. and am living in Nashville, just not Argentina and without the 40,000 head of cattle. I hope to one day make enough money to do that, just to see Debbie eat her own shit. (Just kidding!)
Whenever I did my own tarot readings I recorded the questions I asked as well as the answers, so I could go back to them after a certain time to see if whatever was predicted came true. The problem with doing this is that once ‘programmed’ with the supposed outcome, you subconsciously bring about the result, unless you’re a saboteur and stop it from happening. I found it annoying when I realized that no matter what, I had the power to begin with, to bring about whatever change I wanted. Even though it was fun and enchanting to do a reading, whatever question I asked – I already had the desired answer in my mind.
I knew what I wanted to happen so I felt that I was affecting the outcome with my subconscious desires. I resorted to doing readings where I just asked “You tell me.” I got more honest and interesting results, which I still recorded and checked, months down the track. At times things did come true, but then it was easy to project certain outcomes. These days I don’t bother with the cards, as I rely more on cause and effect, research and knowledge, based on what has gone on before and what seems logical and reasonable.
We also started getting into witchcraft but I dropped it when I got into my relationship with Jim, the crazy unemployed writer. When I split up with him I picked it back up. I went the whole hog, doing rituals, wearing capes and pentagrams, celebrating the Sabbats and Esbats, writing my own incantations, gathering herbs, playing with gems, oils, spells and so on. I was already into dream interpretation, astral traveling etc so it went hand in hand. After years of practicing I realized that essentially, I was still an atheist at heart. I wondered how I could reconcile this with my pagan heart. Then it dawned on me.
We use magic as a touchstone to program the mind and deities as archetypes to understand our psychology. Symbolism is the language of our subconscious and ritual allows us to tap into it and to project our intentions. I realized that my connection to nature and the animal kingdom was what expressed my spirituality. It is my spirituality. The collective unconscious and the symbolism of the world is what speaks to my ‘spiritual mind’.
It’s not necessarily a faith, as it’s something that I can test and can see real outcomes eventuate in my life. Although my spirituality is still a work in progress (which is the same for all of us), I do feel that I don’t need a religious dogma to nail it down.
Organized religion has an agenda that is not in accordance with the ebb and flow of the rhythms of nature. It is preoccupied with the motivations of greedy and power hungry humans, who are hell bent on controlling other humans. I am happy to side step all of that and to find peace with the reality of nature, without the unreality of religion.
One of the tools I discuss in my book about lifemapping (a work in progress – which I may or may not finish, that incorporates ritual, self analysis, delving into darkness etc) is dream interpretation, as I have always found this to be a very satisfying method for understanding what’s going on. I’m fascinated by universal symbols, archetypes, the collective unconscious, the Shadow, anima/animus, the integrated self and so on. I have recorded my dreams since I was little and discovered that I have some common themes and some not so common. I found that it’s important to keep in mind factors such as what substances you have ingested or what foods you have eaten before bedtime (for example – if your digestive system is trying to negotiate with a variety of cheeses or spicy dishes then your dreams will be infiltrated with interesting if not alarming imagery!)
I also found it interesting to note that, for me anyway, smoking marijuana either stopped me from dreaming or at least remembering my dreams. Alcohol made dreams more vivid and colorful. I’m still grappling with the notion of drugs either opening gateways in the mind to hidden concepts, memories and dimensions that are actually there or if they just simply create hallucinations. Whatever happens, don’t the symbols, memories and the ‘raw materials’ already exist in our subconscious – so the idea should be, whatever works to flush them out?
I always found the dreamworld to be a magical state that provided endless insights and ideas. One of the earliest dreams that I can remember was when I was living at Nanna and Pa’s. It was after my parent’s divorce and my two brothers, Peter and Lucas, as well as my cousin Georgia were living there, with my father. In the dream we were all in a car, including Georgia’s father (he and my dad are identical twins). The men were sitting in the front and us kids were sitting in the back. We were driving up and down some very steep hills. We arrived on the top of one of the hills (it was night time) and our fathers got out at a gas station to pump the gas and get something from the store.
All of a sudden the car started rolling down the hill, faster and faster. Our dads were still back at the gas station and we were screaming for them. As we were plummeting down to the bottom of the hill, Georgia and I were trying to lean over to take hold of the wheel. I woke up just before we crashed at the bottom. I had this dream four nights in a row. I was about 5 years old. I realize now that it was an anxiety dream brought about by our parent’s divorces and that Georgia and I were trying to figure out how to take control of the situation, but couldn’t.
Car dreams have appeared here and there in my life, along with other vehicles. Symbolically vehicles represent the way you are traveling in life, or life itself. It’s all about what’s going on, whether you have control of the vehicle etc. I’ve often dreamed of being in the passenger seat, or not being able to drive properly, which is indicative of how I’ve felt with the direction my life has taken, over the years. One dream I had was with the car splitting in half – and both halves going in two different directions! Other dreams had me feeling like I couldn’t control the steering wheel or couldn’t make the car go faster. The best one I had was where I was on a motorcycle and was on a long straight road, all by myself and I was going full throttle! It was wonderful. At that time, my life was taking off and I felt like I had more control.
I’ve also dreamed about trains, often feeling like I was on the wrong train, or seeing a train crash into the ocean. (Water is supposed to represent the subconscious, or emotions.) Now that I am living in another country, I dream about planes and feeling stranded, or flying back to Australia and feeling like I can never get the connecting flight back here!
A major dream theme for me is the Tidal wave. When I was in my twenties, it was ominous and overwhelming. They were huge and would wash over me, devouring me like a monster. Sometimes I would be inside the tunnel and would see furniture such as clocks, chairs, tables etc in the water. I would be panicked, wondering how to get out and worried about drowning. Eventually I would be outside of the wave but on the beach and seeing it coming, still freaking out and trying to run, but my feet were heavy in the sand or the drag of the water would be pulling me into the wave.
Other times I would be in a city and I would see a wave coming over a tall building, or I would see the water sluicing down alleyways. It got to the stage when they were not a bother, as the last one was where I was sitting on a sunny beach and I saw a wave in the distance. I didn’t panic. I just observed it dispassionately and once it crashed on the shore I watched the foam gently creep up to my feet and tickle my toes. I realized that it signified my having tamed my emotions (to a degree!).
An interesting (almost precognitive) dream I had was when I had started a relationship with a guy who turned out to be – to put it politely – quite a handful. He was draining on my nerves and drove me nuts. Jim was an unemployed writer and we hit it off, even though I had a feeling that it was going to be trouble. I fell for him straight away as he had a wicked sense of humor and was very intelligent. I learned a lot from him and he exposed me to books, music and art that I might not have gotten into, so I am grateful for that, at least.
When we first started dating I had a dream about wading into the ocean. I was walking under the surface as though I had lead boots on. I could feel the current gently buffeting me about but I kept walking. Then I could see all these mines – the circular ones that are anchored at the bottom with chains, like balloons on strings. I had to navigate my way past them. It was like walking through a dense forest and I had to make sure I didn’t bump into them, with the current pushing me this way and that. As soon as I woke up I knew what it meant. This one was going to be trouble.
It was intense and there were a lot of tears and angry words. He was infuriating as he had no issue with taking and not giving in return. He would snap for no reason and had issues with drinking. He made me feel bad about my appearance as he was a typical small man caught up in the idea that women have to be petite and weak. I put up with him for two years and finally let him go. It was during that relationship that my brother died and his sister committed suicide, so at least we were there for each other. Everything has its reason, I suppose.
I’ve talked about my mountain dreams in my post ‘Otherworldliness’, so I won’t mention it again here – other than to say that I wonder if it represents the integration of the self, according to Carl Jung. That would explain my utter fascination with it and how I yearn for it so much!
Snakes have often been a recurring theme for me. Some say they represent psychic power or sexuality. The symbolism always depends on what they represent for the dreamer. One dream I had was where I was flying through a lush jungle and I saw a large, beautiful green snake on a small island in the middle of a lake. I flew down and spoke telepathically with it. I woke up feeling so at peace! Another dream had me walking up and down some stone steps of an ancient temple and I saw a strange, small blue snake with horns. Then I saw another one with a head at each end of his body. Symbolically, the snake in a circle, swallowing it’s own tail means wholeness or infinity. Maybe the snake having two heads meant that I had to make a decision before I could be whole? (I can’t remember what was happening in my life at that time.)
Another snake dream I had was where I was underwater – swimming with a large snake, hanging onto it. The water was murky and we were dodging rotten logs and flotsam and jetsam. I think at the time I was worried about sordid sexual relationships.
One of my significant dreams I had before coming to the U.S. to live, was about a house, that seemed to be somewhere in a place like Indonesia. It was tropical and mysterious. The house was very mysterious and I was interested in buying it but next door was a yard that I had to go through to get to it. The yard was protected by stone animals that came to life every time I entered it, like a video game. I criss crossed and negotiated my way across until I finally made my way to the house.
Once inside there was a large rectangular room where an Asian looking, blue ghost lady was floating along the four walls, going in circles. Every time she passed me I was scared but I knew I had to speak to her to buy the house. I made it past her to the bathroom but then she vanished and a woman was cooking in a kitchen, back from where I’d come from. I realized it was too late. Still trying to figure that one out.
One of the scariest dreams I had was one of the most profound, as it involved the integration of the self. I was in a dark attic, sitting cross legged. At the other end of the attic was a little blonde haired girl. I knew she was evil as she was eating body parts and had jagged teeth. She looked like a demon. She was wearing a tattered white dress that was splattered with blood. There were lumps of meat all over the floor. She saw me and then started floating towards me, her teeth gnashing and her eyes flashing, with her arms outstretched.
I was petrified but realized that I had to accept her as she was a part of myself that I kept hidden. (Either my rage or some other aspect I didn’t like to admit to.) The fear became more and more intensified the closer she got to me until finally she was in my arms. Suddenly she transformed into a ‘normal’ little girl and was sobbing into my shoulder. I comforted and hugged her, telling her that everything was going to be alright. Once I awoke I realized that something huge had just occurred and felt very proud of myself.
I know that some people think that other people’s dreams are boring but I want to include the important ones (important to me, at least!) in my memoir as they’re a part of my history. Dreams afford us the opportunity to explore our motivations and to analyze our lives from different perspectives. They can be warnings or messages of hope and peace. If nothing else, they are a well of inspiration and wonderful ideas.
My narcoleptic experiences had died down to a dull roar during my teens, which is strange, but they intensified after the birth of my son at age 22. The last big one I had was when I was about 28 years of age. (Which is interesting as that is the age that some people believe your ‘Saturn returns’ come into play. For example: every 28 years, Numerologically & Astrologically, you go through a crisis of some sort.) It’s an age when people are apparently more likely to commit suicide – or make a major change in the direction of their lives. Apparently every 7 years you go through a crisis, good or bad, just like every 7 years your body has totally replaced every cell in your body.
At age 7 you are learning more about the world, its rules and your place in the world. At age 14 you are dealing with puberty and going through lessons dealing with how to become an adult. At age 21 you are expected to have ‘arrived’ and the crisis is usually to do with questions such as ‘who am I? what am I here for? where am I going?’ Some people figure that if you haven’t got it sorted out by the time you are 28 years of age, or if you are having difficulty with your assimilation into society, that it’s a big crisis. 4 x 7 = 28 and every 28 years is another major crisis.
The Atheist in me is still intrigued, but more likely to believe that each person has different life paths, patterns etc. Some people seem to be in crisis all the time! It’s usually all pinned to the journey an individual has lived, the summation of the decisions and choices they have made, their background, their projections and perceptions, belief systems, relationships, environment etc. Although a 7 year rhythm does seem reasonable, as most things in the universe relate to the vibration of a number, I don’t believe that everybody is exactly the same with this cyclic phenomenon.
At the time, I was living alone, apart from my 5 year old son. Nothing overtly important was going on, other than my son having started school. I was single and living in public housing, in a stand alone unit. I wasn’t working at the time and had a routine set with getting up early, getting my son ready for school, including getting his breakfast ready and packing his lunch. Then we’d get on the bus and after dropping him at school I’d come home and do housework, shopping etc.
This time there was no warning. I hadn’t changed the position of my bed. It was early on a Saturday morning and the sun was coming through the curtains, around 6:30am. It started with a dream, where I was in the back of a bus and I needed to get off. When I started walking towards the front of the bus, a few other people got up too, and we were queued in the aisle. When the bus stopped, we got off one by one and when it was my turn, I looked at the bus driver and something told me not to look at him, but I couldn’t help it.
When I did look at him his face was scrunched up in a really evil smirk or snarl. It was very scary. When I turned to jump off the bus I saw a little brunette school girl, about 5 years old and she had a surprised expression on her face. Her head then started getting bigger and bigger, as though someone had started pumping up her head with a bicycle pump. It looked like a balloon, the way her head kept getting bigger and bigger, and her eyes kept getting wider and wider, as if she was becoming more and more surprised.
Finally, her head exploded and then I saw a totally different scene. It was like a page filled with swarming maggots, but when I looked closer, I realized that it was a massive orgy with thousands of people swarming over each other. It wasn’t long before I snapped to and woke up out of the dream, but I was again paralyzed and couldn’t scream. I was on my back and felt another mouth inside my throat. It kept saying, over and over – “Why don’t you call your mummy?!” – in a sarcastic, taunting voice.
At the same time the voice was taunting me, I was trying to scream but couldn’t, and I also heard in my right ear, railway crossing bells ringing loudly. I could almost make out the railway crossing to my right, as I strained to see the room. Then I saw the ceiling go a misty white, like a cloud was forming.
As the clouds started clearing in the center, I saw three aliens. Two of them seemed like the standard greys but the one in the middle was the one that scared me. It seemed to have a face that floated in front of its actual head, changing and morphing like oil on water.
I was screaming inside my own throat, as the voices kept taunting and the bells kept ringing. I forced myself to look off into the left corner of the ceiling and yelled inside my mind for my ‘higher self’ to come and help me. As soon as I started doing that, I could see an orange ball of light appear in that left corner of the ceiling and as I focused on that – rather than the aliens, it dissipated. At the same time, lots of eyes had started appearing all over the walls, blinking and looking at me.
It took a long time to shake that episode off. Even after I got up and went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea – 10 minutes later – I could still faintly hear the bells and my throat felt like the lips were still there. It shook me so much, I finally made an appointment at the local hospital and was linked to a neurologist.
After being interviewed and giving my whole history, I was scheduled for an EEG reading. They played strobe lights in front of my face as I stared straight ahead, and after a while we stopped and they told me they’d be in contact with the results. A few days later I received a phone call from one of the doctors, who advised that the findings were quite amazing. Apparently the majority of my brain activity was in the right temporal lobe. They said that the left brain was virtually inactive in comparison! They said that they could see where the last attack had taken place and that I needed to be tested further.
According to a theory put forward by some scientists, the right brain is best at creativity & expression. It also covers intuition, music appreciation, emotions etc. The left brain is supposedly in control of logic and analytical thinking, being better at things such as critical thinking, language, reasoning etc. (Some scientists say they have debunked this theory as a myth.)
I’ve always been very creative, love music and consider myself mostly intuitive, but I can also be quite analytical and like to think that I have a good grasp on language and critical thinking! So I went to my next EEG reading which was more intensive and then finally went back to my neurologist for the results. I was told that even though it’s a sleep disorder, it’s not technically narcoleptic. Hypnagogic hallucinations happen when falling asleep and hypnopompic hallucinations happen when coming out of sleep. I mostly have hypnopompic ‘turns’ but have sometimes had hypnagogic turns.
A trick I learned, especially over the last big turn, was to aim to turn my head to the right. When I was finally able to move, I noticed that I could ‘snap’ out of the attack and sit up, no longer paralyzed. Hence the reason that I have not had anything like that last attack since then. From time to time I have felt myself slipping into it – but suddenly turning my head to the right sets me free! There was a time, after that, when I fell asleep on the couch and I half awoke, feeling like there was a tornado in my ear. I felt the familiar, rubbery sensation along my spine and thought “Oh no!”, but was able to snap myself out of it. Some people say that the roaring in your ears is the beginning of your ‘soul’ leaving your body, as in astral projection. Who knows!
It was sad, (and strange) when I realized I had passed on this ‘affliction’ to my son, Zack. He was three years of age and prior to his first incident (or at least, to my knowledge it was his first incident), he had not yet strung words together to make full sentences. I was a little worried, although he was able to communicate and knew quite a lot of words and was obviously intelligent. It was early morning and I was at the table having a coffee. My brother Lucas lived in the unit next door, in the fishing village of Warneet on the outskirts of Melbourne.
All of a sudden, his door flew open and he ran towards me, very angry, breathing like he’d run a marathon. He just looked at me, angry and breathing hard. I asked him what the matter was. Then he calmed down and said “I come from the Pleiades constellation!” That’s right. They are the exact words that came out of his little mouth. I was flabbergasted and nearly dropped my cup. All I could say was “What?!” He repeated himself. Silence. A little while later I said “Say that again.”
He said it again. I grabbed his little hand and took him next door to my brother’s house and woke him up, which made him grumpy, of course. I told Zack to tell his Uncle what he had just told me. He said proudly “I come from the Pleiades constellation!” Lucas woke up 100% and did the same routine, saying “What?!” and so on. We were both flabbergasted. Zack proceeded to tell us, in full sentences, that our whole family came from the Pleiades constellation, from a planet called “Liftkik” (I don’t know if that’s the correct spelling!), and that we were vapors before we came into our bodies on this planet.
We spent the whole morning, trying not to lead him, to be as clear as we could, to find out where this stuff came from. It turned out that Zack had woken up in the middle of the night, feeling trapped in his body, and he tried to scream for me but I wouldn’t come. He said he saw tall grey aliens in long black cloaks standing in a semi circle around the room, with small, squat black aliens in front of them. One of the small black aliens put a clear crystal ball in the air and it floated towards Zack.
He saw that it had a black key in it and they told him that if he took the ball and unlocked the key he would discover the secrets of the universe! Apparently all the aliens kept chanting “Take it, take it, take it!” There was one alien that was very strange. He was also short, but like a white dwarf, with a long nose, pointy ears with gold earrings in them and he didn’t have a shirt on and no shoes. Apparently he was wearing shorts. Zack was mostly afraid of him. Zack asked me why I didn’t come to him when he was screaming for me. I apologized and said I didn’t hear and agreed to let him sleep with his door open from then on.
No matter what had happened, it dawned on me that he too might have inherited the dreaded narcolepsy curse. Or – our family comes from the Pleiades constellation! (?)
We’re all on our own journeys in terms of spirituality and I, like most others have vacillated between a variety of beliefs (and most recently, more towards non belief). But for me, at least, it’s far more interesting to go back to when I was a child and to remember what it was like to not know, or at least, to wonder. As an adult I hate not knowing and much prefer concrete evidence, common sense, reason and intellectual understanding. I can look at a sunset, knowing that it’s a collection of vapors and chemicals and can still be exhilarated by the beauty of it all without having to attribute it to a deity. (I don’t mean to offend the religious, each to his/her own etc – this is just my opinion, at this stage in my life.)
However I do remember the ‘magic’ of otherworldliness. I do remember being mystified by the idea of fairies and the idea of an all powerful, all knowing Godhead who watched over us and had all the answers. I remember believing that my teddy bears and dolls had feelings and souls. One early memory I have is being a toddler in my crib and setting fire to it, with a box of matches I had found. I lit the matches one by one, throwing them to the edges of the crib, watching the flames in rapture, feeling like I was in the center of a birthday cake.
My mother remembers the screaming, calling the fire brigade and crashing into the room to save my baby brother and I. My nightdress had gone up in smoke and all that was left were the arms and the back of it. I didn’t have any burns whatsoever! Everyone thought it was a miracle. My teddy had a burnt leg and I was completely grief stricken. Every time I looked at him I was wracked with guilt for having hurt him so much.
Even as a young adult I felt a twinge of shame and it took a long time for me to realize that he was just an inanimate object! (It was even worse when I had taken him for show and tell at school years after the fire, when a nasty little shit had ripped out his eyes, the bastard! I thought – now he’s blind too! I couldn’t bear to let my mother sew new eyes on him for fear of putting him through more pain. More guilt for me!)
When I was about ten years old I walked into our kitchen and straight out asked my mother if she believed in fairies. I did – but I needed an adult to tell me so I could feel secure in the ‘knowledge’ that fairies were real. I knew the instant she responded with that ‘Oh god, I better humor her’ look, that fairies were not real. I was angry, hurt and deeply depressed. Even though she tried to convince me “Yes darling, of course I believe in fairies!” with that patronizing smile, it was too late. I had my answer.
Mind you, I didn’t stop reading fairy tales, and books by Enid Blyton, mythology, Catweazel, The Children of Green Knowe etc. I was 50% willing it to be true and pretending it was true and 50% knowing it wasn’t and ignoring that fact. For me, the bottom line was that it was entertaining and afforded me the kind of escapism I dearly needed.
When I was little I remember going to stay at my aunt’s farm in the country. She and her boyfriend were hippies. They had chickens and a ginger cat called Peter, who went on adventures with me. They had a statue of David for a doorbell. There was a sign over his penile unit that said “Pull”. You flipped the sign up & pulled on the penis that was attached to a wire that sounded the doorbell. Hilarious! They had a big shed full of these statues. I was mystified by these statues. (Not sure if it was the start of Agalmatophilia, which is sexual attraction to a statue or figure – but I don’t feel like that now, even though I appreciate them!)
I would spend ages hiding in the shed, just staring at them, transported to another dimension. I can’t remember what I was thinking, but it was magical. A few years earlier, when I was around five years of age, I had started having hypnagogic and hypnopompic hallucinations – which is basically dreaming while awake. I’ll write about those experiences in more depth later as there’s quite a lot of ground to cover. But at that time I had also started to get up in the middle of the night and would talk to myself in the mirror. Needless to say, it freaked my elders out! They would put sheets and towels on the mirrors but I would just go to another room and do it again!
I was always attracted to the idea of alternate worlds, portals, other dimensions. Maybe it was a subconscious need for escape, as my parents were divorced then and I was living at my grandparents with my father and my cousin and brothers. I kept having a recurring dream of a mountain which still haunts me to this day. I’ve always wanted to find ‘my mountain’. In the dream, I would wake up at my Nanna’s house and go out into her garden, around the side of the house and I would see this majestic, snow capped mountain behind the shed.
I could never get to it because there was always something in the way, like a gate I couldn’t get through, a clump of weeds or bushes, etc. I can see now that it probably represented the integrated self calling to me – for a chance to escape all the crap our families were going through and to ‘find myself’. Every time I see a perfect, snow capped mountain I get a chill of excitement, like I’m still waiting for it. It’s almost a spiritual pull. But it’s a very particular type of mountain and for some reason, ever since I can remember, it’s somewhere in Sweden!
(Not Sweden – but looks just like my mountain!)
When I was living at Nanna and Pa’s, around five years of age, I had an experience that could be explained as either my synapses misfiring, or a narcoleptic experience (although they say that hypnagogic and hypnopompic hallucinations are not technically under the umbrella of narcolepsy). It could have been a dream. The funny thing is – my Pa had the same experience when he was a boy and so did my father and his twin, in the same room! (Pa had his experience in a different house.)
In my event I was asleep in my room at Nanna and Pa’s, when a bright light suddenly filled the room and woke me up. It was so white that it was tinged with blue and was almost too bright to look at. I was under the covers, afraid and wondering what was happening when an astronaut came into the room. (When it happened to my father and his twin brother they called him the white milkman and my Pa had said he thought it was a ghost.) As soon as I saw the astronaut I passed out. Then I felt waves over me, as though two people were on either side of the bed wafting the blanket up and down on me. I was so scared but couldn’t move.
I’ll talk about my ‘narcoleptic’ experiences in another post, as they would take up a whole chapter. The sensations were always the same, tingling up and down my spine, feeling frozen and not being able to move, not being able to scream for help. My father and uncle had said that the white milkman came to them when they were in the crib and the room also went a vivid white color. Apparently he just stood there staring at them for a while and then he disappeared. My Pa had a similar experience with his ghost.
I’ve also had OBE’s (out of the body experiences – also known as astral traveling). I’ve seen fantastic planets with colors that I’ve never seen before and had experiences that aren’t easily explained. One time, I slammed back into my body so hard that my boyfriend at the time freaked out and leapt out of bed, thinking that I had deliberately jumped onto the bed from the ceiling! He was angry, scared and confused. When I explained to him what happened he still didn’t believe me and thought I was nuts.
The idea of these magical experiences being real is quite delicious, as they hint at otherworldliness, which would mean that there is something else out there, the ‘unknowable’, that would allay my fears of death and ceasing to be. In my twenties, when I was going through a phase of fearing death, I had an OBE where I was floating in a strange place amongst a lot of crazy mathematical equations. I kept hearing a voice telling me that death was not the end. Of course, when I woke up, my fear of death had vanished.
A religious person would say that it was God coming to help me. A scientist would say that it was my subconscious will trying to calm myself down so I could keep operating. My attitude is – whatever works.
I enjoy fantasy as it juices up the imagination and enriches my creativity. I also enjoy reason as I am most comforted by the truth, facts and figures. I like my feet firmly rooted in the earth so my head can safely wander through the universe and back again.