When depression slides into the dark realm of suicidal thoughts, the secrets deepen.
The process of withdrawal into the safety of the personal interior began in the distant past and the idea of self-annihilation pushes you further into the abyss.
Therein lies the dichotomy. On the one hand, there’s the deep yearning for understanding and compassion, while on the other hand, there’s shame, confusion and the desire to shield your secrets from prying eyes.
Those eyes belong to the ones who shake their heads in disbelief, disgust and disdain.
The ones who either have no idea about what it’s like to fall into the hidden and hopeless chasm or who are so afraid of being sucked into the vortex that they resort to ridicule in order to keep a safe distance.
Even when someone takes the time to try and understand, it takes a small forcing to share those dark thoughts, which are usually sanitized and censored.
There’s so much that begs to be revealed, but to utter those black pearls means to bring the subterranean tentacles to the surface.
How do you share the concept of losing the will to live to those who only want life for you? How do you explain the way the horrors of the world plague your thoughts at night or how nothing holds any delight, pleasure or happiness like they did before?
What can you say, when only a void filled with the ghosts of tumbleweeds and a lonely, howling wind come to mind – blocking all the fulsome things you want to convey?
In the depths, the only thoughts swirling around are the ones that remind you that nothing matters. In the scheme of things, we’re all distracting ourselves to avoid the inevitable. No matter what, we all die.
It doesn’t matter how many pills we take or how much effort we put into preserving what we call our lives. Time marches on until we slip away into the darkness and for some of us, the dark reaches out to greet us beforehand.
It’s a taste of things to come.
Try telling that to someone who tries in vain to impress on you that it all matters; that you have a duty to keep on going for the sake of others, if not for yourself. Like trained monkeys, they beseech that you have to get back on the horse, keep your chin up and get back into it.
If nothing else, it’s to make them feel better themselves, not necessarily to help you deal with your darkness.
However, one question is hard for the depressive to ignore: Why choose to focus on doom and gloom when it’s just as arbitrary to focus on joy and light?
If focusing on joy and light is only a distraction from our inevitable demise, then surely the act of focusing on doom and gloom is only a distraction from our possible liberation from darkness?
It’s all about choice.
What do we choose to dwell on, when both avenues are equal distractions? Are both points of view equally valid? Were the Buddhists right when they advised to find the Middle Way?
Depression and thoughts of suicide are like Venus fly traps; dripping with the blood of their victims. They hold us in their cold, black hands – clenched and slimy – blocking the light and clouding our vision.
This is a place where hope is crippled. Any promise of escape is blocked by the heavy drapes of despair, loneliness and self-loathing.
Why not wrench them apart and bathe in the shards of light?
Why choose to wallow in the pit, when the lightness of the soul begs to soar?
Like riding blindfolded on an upside-down see-saw, the only way out is to let go and fly.
To sink is to fail.
From Fantasy to Romance to Erotica –
get all my books Free (Kindle Editions) for a limited time!
My new contemporary romance – Juneau Dreaming – will be out very, very soon!
(I know we’re not allowed to use the word “very” but I don’t like being told what to do, so – there’s that!)
Stay tuned for news about the release of Juneau Dreaming. It’s a novel about a young woman called Lilith, who loses her parents in a freak accident and decides to pack up and relocate to Juneau, Alaska.
Wanting to start afresh in a new place with a new job, she doesn’t count on having to deal with two men – essentially polar opposites – as well as her kaleidoscope of emotions that weave throughout the story.
Lilith’s dreams guide her through her new life as her grief threatens to propel her into fleeing once again. Will she overcome the tidal wave of emotions so she can settle into the wonderful community of friends and her new family?
Can she effectively choose between the reserved and moody Lachlan and the charming and earnest Stephan – or should she stay true to her initial conviction of staying single, since her fiance left her on the day of her parent’s funeral?
Juneau Dreaming is a romance filled with wonderful characters, magical imagery and a journey that leads a woman from the depths of despair to a promising life where the healing can truly begin.
Prepare for “A Feast in the Forest” – my cookbook for The Willow Lake Group!
(To be written from the POV of Sondra – one of the main characters!)
Recipes, photos, art and poetry –
as well as a few magical tips from the Hedgewitch herself!
Delwyn is in the center – clockwise from the top:
Prem-Luss (Planet-headed – two characters in one!), Purrsula (the cat-headed warrior), Drade (computer program entity), Fleat (feathered Stormer with a deadly Third-Eye) and Varun (half-man, half-seahorse and Guardian of the Dreamworld.)
Here’s the Book Trailer:
In a better head-space lately but still feeling like I’m spinning my wheels and going nowhere, however – I think I finally found the fantasy genre my writing falls into. It took me a long time to find the one that feels right – wading through many sub-genres that became more and more confusing. Apparently new ones are added every year!
I have a Goodreads Giveaway currently running – for my erotic novel “The Ninth Window.”
I’d like more reviews – so if anyone wants a free copy in return for an honest review on Amazon – please let me know. I currently only have two – as different as chalk and cheese. I love the first one – but the second one left me baffled and annoyed.
“This is a story with several other stories nested within – each very different from the others. The book has a really fresh premise. I liked the writing style, and appreciated the fact that it was nicely edited and proofread.
It’s difficult for me to review this without including any spoilers. I can say that every story within the book is really sexy (although Chapter Six was my least favorite.) The ending was really unexpected. An overall enjoyable erotic novella – one of the best I’ve read lately.”
(I was very happy with this review and didn’t expect to hear why the reader didn’t enjoy Chapter Six. With erotica, it’s even more so about personal preferences. If he had said that Chapter Six was slow or ill-fitting – I would’ve understood – although the fact that it was about a woman dominating a man could’ve had something to do with it. Still – it was an honest and unsolicited review – which I was very grateful for.)
(This stumped me. I don’t know what the reader expected and would’ve liked to have heard why they thought it wasn’t interesting – but then – everyone’s entitled to their opinion. I’d like to say that at least I’m happy they bought the book and “took their time” writing a two word review. What baffles me is that they still gave it two stars. One star would’ve been more aligned with their comment. Oh well!)
Here’s something exciting! I’ll be interviewed by the lovely hosts of the Deadly Reads show – Linda L. Barton and Lisa Vandiver – on Blog Talk Radio this coming Thursday night! These ladies are also authors – so check out their work! (Deadly Reads also offer author services.)
I received a great review on Goodreads for “Portal Stormer” – Book 2 in The Storming Archives!
And finally – my contemporary romance (if that’s the right genre – see the reviews below the Ad!) “The Willow Lake Group” will be available for free (Kindle Edition) on Amazon from Monday to Friday next week!
Vicki also reviewed the Audiobook on Audible:
*If you’d like a free Audible code for “The Willow Lake Group” – in return for an honest review – let me know!
If you’re interested in my upcoming Fantasy/Horror novel “City of Gargoyles” – which includes living gargoyles and flying zombies – watch it unfold here:
If you feel so inclined – vote for it!
I know that some authors see these kinds of websites/services as predatory. I’ve read articles where it was stated that some sites trick fledgling authors into submitting their work, only to fish for free content – and I am wary of this nefarious element. I tried posting “City of Gargoyles” on WriteOn (an Amazon service) – where you can get feedback as you write – but it seems to be a dead end. I just wanted to try the “show as you go” routine for the development of a novel, so – we’ll see.
I’ll be updating my Shapeshifting blog – where I’ll be talking about my temporary departure from healthy living – due to becoming a full-time, Freelance Author! (Notwithstanding my “dark night of the soul” routine – where I took a nosedive and am still clawing my way out of it!)
So – lastly – an update on being a freelance author. Apart from a few regular clients and some interesting jobs, it’s incredibly annoying when you have to chase them for payment! From students who want their homework done to big projects – these clients have made my foray into the world of freelancing a pain in the butt. Fair enough – it’s usually the bigger jobs that pay the most – but just like the business world, they take their time to pay.
I’ve been getting awesome feedback and steady work (including ghostwriting ebooks, screenplays, memoirs and data entry etc.) I’m still trying to develop a workable structure – but my time is operating on another plane of existence. I could be writing (as I am now) well into the wee hours of the morning. Night is day and day is night. What I’m struggling with is juggling my own writing with the freelance work. Hopefully I’ll strike a good balance soon!
Finally – to close this post – here’s a series of fun visuals to illustrate the ups and downs of being a Freelance Author!
Till next time – take it easy!
I haven’t posted for a while – on any of my blogs. I felt bad for it – but I felt worse for not writing my own stuff – being bogged down in freelance work. Then I felt bad for feeling bad – as I should be grateful that I had the opportunity to leave my full time job to be a writer. I am grateful – and my husband is a saint for encouraging me to do so. I couldn’t complain to him about my internal predicament. Getting the flu in between and going down for the count didn’t help any.
I then found myself plunging into a strange fog which I am still trying to fight my way out of. I became immersed in a spiraling whirlpool – doing my best to grasp onto whatever debris or beams of light that showed up here and there. They slipped out of my hands so quickly that I wondered if they existed at all. My dreams have been intense – and hopeful. When I get the chance I’ll post them on my Collective Unconscious blog.
I also veered away from my Shapeshifting blog – neglecting to chronicle my “progress” on healthy living. I’ve been sleeping a lot and doing my best to drag myself to the computer every day to complete my freelance writing wherever possible. One thing I know for sure is that – for the most part – this fog or “crisis” has to do with my impending 50th birthday in September. I am not happy about it – at all. It’s not so much the fact that I’m ageing – but rather that I’m losing time.
My identity has become a mist, or a vapor that has no form. All that I projected about who I thought I was and what I was doing has cleared to reveal the truth. There is nothing. I am nothing. Nothing matters. It’s all pretend. We keep on kicking along just to save face – to make ourselves feel that it’s all – somehow – worth it. Worth the struggle. One day we’ll get there. But where is that? And who says that it’s “somewhere” – the destination we’ve been working towards?
It seems to be a collective grudging towards the only definite element in life: death. I don’t even know what that is – or what it means. The ceasing to be. That sounds awful – and I’m sorry to be so down. Please don’t let it infect you. If anything – I’m writing this out to chronicle my dark patch. I see myself posting tweets etc about my novels – begging for people to buy my books, blah blah blah. It seems so pointless. The emptiness is swallowing me up – but I have to write about it. I have to “sublimate” it – in order to make sense of what is happening to me. Maybe it might help someone else out there – or maybe they can help me.
I stopped writing last night – due to plummeting further downwards. I could see that I wasn’t doing myself any good, even though I thought at the beginning that writing about my “malaise” would make me feel better. I went to bed – with the start of a panic attack looming on the horizon. I was breathing shallow and on the verge of tears that wouldn’t come. I got into bed and focused on my breathing – in a kind of forced meditation. After about half an hour I fell asleep.
When in the clutches of despair, it’s important to remember just to breathe. The only thing in the world that matters is breathing – at that point. I told myself that – if nothing else in the universe mattered – breathing was all I could do. The knowledge that everything would make sense – eventually – kept me going, even though the thoughts in the back of my mind kept bubbling to the surface from time to time. Thoughts such as: “what’s the point?” or “what then?” as well as “I’m just prolonging the obvious.”
I pushed them away and continued breathing. I dreamed about having different cars. First – a red one – which I parked seamlessly in a tight spot. Twice. I amazed myself. Then I had a blue convertible. It was under a dirty blanket and I had to tell a friend to keep her son from playing in it. Then I had a huge, thick branch of marijuana buds. Each bud was intricately wrapped in foil. I wanted to smoke it but people kept showing up so I had to stash it somewhere. Then I woke up.
There are a lot of symbols and related meanings which I will explore in my Collective Unconscious blog soon. The main messages I take from the dream include reserved energy, hiding depressive thoughts and the desire to lose myself. Today I’m getting myself in gear. I have decided to create a roster or weekly agenda for myself. I need order and direction – to pave my way out of this crisis. I’ll post an update later in the week.
I took some photos of myself last night – in an attempt to preserve whatever fading looks I think I might have before I hit 50. I used some photo editing and filters – but for the most part – it’s me. They make me laugh – now.
When I’m feeling like this – I have to remind myself that there are others in the world who are living wretched lives. They would do anything to have a fraction of what I have. Therefore – it seems that I have no right to complain or feel depressed. But what is that thought supposed to do – comfort me? Isn’t that wrong? Does pulling myself up by the bootstraps help them any? Do I owe it to the less fortunate to live a fulfilled life? Isn’t that rubbing their noses in my fortunate life?
What is humbling is the huge smiles on their faces – in the middle of a war zone or filthy, hopeless conditions. The fact that they can make the most of a horrible situation; that they can find the silver lining. Clean water or peace would mean the world to them. In my little corner of the world – I do have access to clean water, a peaceful home and food. I should be grateful. My own mind is the enemy.
Time to whip it into shape.
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