Hashing out my stories

Posts tagged “anxiety

Knuckledragger

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Trying to find the missing piece of writing for my last chapter for the Parallel Portals – which is driving me batty. In the meantime I’m having a grey day so if you’re not in the mood for a downer, don’t read my angry rant! I decided to get back into some poetry to take a break. If I can’t find the piece I’m looking for then I’ll have to rewrite from memory, so I hope to have the final chapter (for book one at least) soon.

Here’s my rant/poem/whatever it is!

Oscillating between Bodhisattva and Hungry Ghost while the guilt demons weave in and out of this wretched soul. Throwing into the mix: an assortment of overwrought piety, anxiety and regret to complete the tangled mess.

Sidestepping this monster every now and then, I become the dutiful wife with a beautiful life; earnestly striving to maintain the façade and going through the motions. Obsessing about unnecessary details, wasting time making lists and planning for events which rarely eventuate.

All this to evade the internal monsters, while projecting the angel who is oh so concerned, helpful, compassionate and mostly trite.

All the lost souls ask, “What is the meaning of life?” There are only two possible answers to this pointless question: to create a meaningful life – or – there is no meaning. The latter is to say, we are an evolutionary mistake; a blight on the earth, teeming like maggots as we destroy the world and each other.

I say this with a mind full of despair at growing older; therefore – some would rest assured that this is my motivation for such darkness. Anger at the ever-encroaching demise which looms on the horizon like a black hole. All levels of existence rely on the state of mind over matter. If I maintain a sunny disposition, then my life will be a happy one.

This veneer of positivity is a cruel trick. The world is on fire and we fiddle like Nero. We smile, laugh and joke our way through life to fend off the inevitable doom; turning a blind eye to chaos and horror. Good luck the activist spirit, which hopes against hope that all the protests and petitions will shift the paradigms.

It’s easy to gnash your teeth against the world, but much harder to grin and bear it. Has it all been for naught? As long as one soul destroys another – in my mind – there is no hope.

Hope wrings its hands together and prays a futile prayer to the empty ether. All is as it’s always been: a swarming, writhing comedy of errors. While catering to the lower self, humans take their souls to a dark place; rarely elevating their acts to the level of holiness.

The donkey is always there, no matter how hard we strain for nirvana. This is the inevitable fact. We are material beings with scant understanding of the immaterial world – if it exists at all.

Doubt and hope occupy the same side of the coin. Both are empty, even though they materialize as the impetus for change. Sadly, psychological imperatives and motivations fall short of completing the task. This is the same whether the micro or the macro; as a whole or as an individual, we cannot ensure that everyone is on the same page.

Evolution drags its knuckles while the cancer eats away at our planet. What was the point of a “higher consciousness” for humans?

Did the Christians have it right when they said that to eat the fruit from the forbidden tree of knowledge would be the downfall of humankind? Would it have been better to have remained as an animal or an obedient slave to an invisible god?

We can try to prove our greatness by pointing to great works of art, scientific discovery and philosophical thought. Where has that taken us? While the earth burns under the feet of ignorant, greedy and savage humans; while children and animals are starved and abused, we continue marching towards the greatest lie – that we will be redeemed and rewarded.

As everything stands right now in my mind’s eye – there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Let’s say that miraculously – tomorrow – everything changes from disaster to joy and peace. If a god or an alien were to come along and wave a magic wand or point a laser-beam – repairing the whole world and changing the inhabitants to angelic beings – what would it be like?

Would life have meaning then? Would some of us become bored with the status quo?
If I break that down to focus only on my own state of mind, would I find peace?

I try to surround myself with good experiences and positive people. I try to generate only happiness and do my best not to react negatively to those who are “less evolved” than I assume I am. I go with the motions, putting one foot ahead of the other and try to make time to create; to write. I find myself wondering about who will care – if anyone at all.

Does it matter? Probably not. Even if I write to only make myself happy, I still feel like a two-dimensional drone. Why am I posting this? Maybe to see if I’m the only drone who feels this way.

I guess I’ll keep dragging my knuckles and see what happens.

 

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Dream Blogging – Kids and Cops

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(This dream was last weekend – been too busy until now.)

I was walking along a road – going to the store, when I saw a little girl – like a street urchin. She was dirty and very sad. I stopped to talk to her and she told me that she was starving and that her father was very cruel. She told me that he deliberately starved her and my heart broke. I took her with me to the store and we waited to be served for a long time. There was a man behind me who left his baby in the pram and walked off. The baby was covered in a blanket and I had to make sure he could breathe.

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There were several dogs in the shop, milling about – restless but not dangerous. When I got to the front of the line – desperate to purchase the food for the little starving girl – the women at the counter suddenly walked off for a break. I yelled at them – telling them that it wasn’t good customer service – but they ignored me.

Then I was driving down a road – very fast – following a truck. We went through a few red lights and I was worried about the police pulling me over.

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When I got further down the road, I stopped at the lights and saw two policemen – riding on tiny unicycles. They were so low to the ground – I wondered how they could catch anyone. Then I saw – through a fence – a training academy for the police – where a rookie was being trained on how to ride one of the small unicycles. He was starting off on a rock – which had a groove down the middle to balance the unicycle.

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Then I was inside the academy, alongside a police woman – who was trying to walk down a stairwell with ice skates on – but the blades were made out of rubber. She had a lot of difficulty going down the stairs – but I had no trouble (wearing the same kind of skates).

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THEMES: Starvation, poverty, neglect, anxiety, responsibility, recklessness, ability.

SYMBOLS: Dogs, blanket, cars/driving, red lights, unicycles, school/education, skates.

EMOTIONS: Anger, concern, compassion, reckless behavior, ridicule, competition.

ARCHETYPES: Fathers, children, dogs, police, shop attendants.

INTERPRETATION: The starving girl represented me – as I try to nurture and take care of that side of me that I feel has been neglected. I have – of late – been concerned with my health. However I’ve also been concerned with spreading myself too thin and not being available to others like I feel I should be.

Women – and men – often have issues with abandonment and I think this dream was dredging up some old issues in that vein. It’s funny how you think you’re over the old stuff and at times – they rear their ugly heads – forcing you to face the fact that you still need to deal with them. (Or at least – aspects of yourself that you still do battle with – in the subconscious areas of your mind.)

Dogs can represent the Self – and perhaps they indicated that they are waiting for me to recognize them – as they too were waiting in the line. The baby being covered by a blanket could either represent a project that I’m neglecting (I know of two that are niggling in the back of my mind!) – or an aspect of myself that I’m covering up or ignoring. Sometimes my impatience gets the better of me – so in respect to that – maybe the dream was telling me that it’s time to uncover the things I prefer to hide from.

Waiting in line could symbolize how I feel with my writing and my business – never feeling like I’m getting anywhere. Again – my impatience is an issue here – as I know that I’m taking steps to get to where I want to be. The women at the counter who turned away and ignored me could indicate either how I feel others view my efforts at getting my book and business noticed – or even how I am towards the important things in my life.

Racing down the road – speeding through the red lights (and following someone else doing the same thing) represents how I’m travelling through my life – at breakneck speed and feeling like there’s no end to the ‘chase’. Seeing the police on unicycles could symbolize how I view authority – which could be applied to my job (ha ha – true – but I’m not divulging here!) Especially as they were struggling and the fact that I was better at walking down stairs on rubber skates! I am at a phase in my life when I finally feel capable of doing anything – a first for me!

SUMMARY: At times I feel very capable and that I’m doing well with the balancing acts – in regards to working a full time job, writing, promoting etc. Other times – not so good – feeling insecure, vulnerable and incapable of pushing through. I do have moments where I feel bad about all the time I’m spending on my projects – and that there’s just not enough time to achieve all that I want to achieve. It would be nice to be a ‘lady of leisure’ and have all the time in the world to devote to all the things and people in my life – and it’s so difficult to prioritize and organize schedules, etc.

In order to ‘normalize’ myself and my life – I need to incorporate a workable schedule and start meditating again. That would help me put things in perspective and gain a better understanding of where I’m headed and what I want to do with the skills I have. I fear that I’ll never get to the point where I can say “I’ve made it!” But – made what? Will I shrivel up if I “make it”? Is the struggle the impetus I need in order to create? If I was a lady of leisure – would I have the urge to write – or would I rest on my laurels, watch tv and eat bon bons for the rest of my life? I hope not – but all I want to do is write!